The nurse was teaching a new nurse how to remove it. After removal, the hole MUST stay covered until the blood clots, but she decided to switch hands because her arm got tired and I got a big dose of air right into my brain. I felt bubbling all over, then I felt myself leaving my body, from my legs up...before I could say anything I completely left my body. I never felt my body fall back on the bed from sitting. I knew what was happening and in my mind I was screaming, "No, no, no, I can't leave my babies!"

Then I heard a voice, "ALL WILL BE AS IT SHOULD." and I felt this indescribable mix of complete peace and love. But it was DARK…endless darkness and I was floating...no weight, no pain, no time. I was there 100 years and a split second all at once. I asked why it was dark, where I was going (there was an anticipation of a destination). He said, “You're not allowed to see because you wouldn't want to fight."

I can't clearly remember everything we talked about, but I have a sense of complete understanding. I was given spiritual gifts (discernment, joy, strength of faith, KNOWING that God is real, that the spiritual realm is MORE real than this one!), and just as I was sent back (resuscitated successfully by a miracle that my neurologist just happened to be right outside the room I was in), He said, "Advocate." I saw a brilliant blue, complicated but beautiful snowflake, made of the prettiest teal light, I heard a loud BOOM, and I was back in my body.

It was the most heavy, painful, loud, bright experience. I imagine it is what babies feel after birth. I couldn't handle sounds/lights or keep track of time for months. I couldn't look at a TV or video screen for months, the movement bothered me too much. I had to learn to walk again and I fought pneumonia 7 times and had two PEs that year.

I know that He was right about me not wanting to fight, because that was 10 years ago and the past 5 years have been the hardest of my life. I'm advocating...and I found out the symbol for the disease I'm fighting, Myasthenia Gravis, is a teal snowflake. (I didn't know that in 2013. I had just been diagnosed and didn't know anything about it.) I am still fighting, and when God decides I'm done I'll be SO relieved...but I don't mind waiting because I have a lot to love, learn, and do.

I had years of struggling with having to live with suffering (anger, resentment, depression) but I am at peace with living as best I can and won't stop fighting (and advocating when I can) because I know that my suffering here will be worth it when it's over and I won't have to suffer again. When I have good days, they're awesome. I drag race my car, go fishing/try some wildlife photography/camping, or visit the beach with my kids. I have a wonderful husband and specialist who care for me well. I am blessed, no matter how much I suffer, I'm grateful for His grace for my every breath now.