Suddenly, I am in the place I call “Death Consciousness.” It is a darker place—one of shadows. A shadowland. I can see various landscape differences, like hills, valleys, but it is many dark colors and shades. I am not afraid.

In the near distance, a little to the left, I can see a horizon that looks like the combination of a sunrise and sunset. This is what I call “Beyond Consciousness.” It is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. The warmth that I feel from that place is greater than but similar to the comfort of a warm blanket, being snuggled safe in bed to rest.

But also imagine entering a room full of everyone you have ever loved before. It is pure love. And I remember feeling like that is where everyone is and I need to be there. Almost like it was a party. That is where I am going. I want to be there. It was so relieving to feel it. But I wasn’t there yet. I had a distance to walk in Death Consciousness.

There was no physical person there as a guide, but I wasn’t alone. I didn’t feel alone. And then I realized... I could ask whatever I wanted to know and get answers. I am an inquisitive person by nature, anyway, so this was like being a kid in a candy store. I had access to omniscience, total omniscience. It was outside of me and inside of me. It was everywhere.

I wasn’t moving, but I wasn’t allowed to go further. I didn’t have a body, but I was me. I asked this omniscient presence about many things. It was like a voice but wasn’t a human voice, it was like telepathic communication in my mind. I asked about where I was. I learned that when you are in Death Consciousness, you can feel how tired your body is but the pain caused by dying isn’t fully registered in your consciousness, so there isn’t much suffering. Many dying people seem to be “unconscious” during this period, when viewed by those still in Living Consciousness.

But those in death consciousness are still present. They can hear you speak, they can feel your touch, and they can understand what you say from your heart in love. Also, understand that those in Death Consciousness do not want those left in Living Consciousness to suffer their transition. In fact, we don’t want you to suffer at all, because once you comprehend levels of consciousness beyond living, you understand how little earthly things actually matter.

We also understand how much human beings in Living Consciousness suffer – either by self-infliction or by the hand of someone else. And that suffering isn’t connected to a spiritual “karma” beyond the Living. Therefore, phrases like “you reap what you sow” is very much a Living Consciousness concept—it does not come with you when you die. Love is the only thing that can cross transitional levels of Consciousness. The love you give and the love you receive can pass with you into Death Consciousness and joins into the Beyond.

While I didn’t end up making it to the Beyond, though I yearned to be there with great emotional depth and longing, that is where I knew I would finally belong. I knew that I had lives near me and with me telling me to stay in Living Consciousness so I stayed. I didn’t want to stay. I did not have a choice.

I also asked this omniscience about Living Consciousness—about why we suffer so much here on Earth in this life. I have experienced in my life, and seen others experience, such great amounts of suffering. I was told that Living Consciousness is one of so many lies, so many stories, so many details, and absolutely none of it matters. Much of it is made up by other living beings that want rules, regulations, and control over every other living being. Once you realize this, none of it matters. I have tried to explain this to other people, but I have been called crazy. People who have not experienced Death Consciousness cannot perceive anything beyond Living Consciousness and what matters to the living.

While in Death Consciousness, I learned about beings on this planet Earth that have their own field of consciousness that many humans do not know about. Many worldwide indigenous peoples and shamans know about these alternate fields of consciousness, though. These fields of consciousness and communication exist beyond human Living Consciousness. Trees are very much living beings that speak, have consciousness, and exist to help us and all other beings live together in harmony. Water has its own consciousness—probably the most powerful consciousness on planet Earth—and so when you hear the Lakota phrase “Mni Wiconi” it means more than what we believe the translation is: “Water is Life.” It is not just Life. It is not here to just keep us and other beings alive. It has its own consciousness and carries all answers to any single question you could ever ask about anything: Living, Dying, and Beyond. All you have to do is ask and listen.

One more thing, I also learned that we do not actually get to “choose” our death. We can, sometimes, choose to live, … even in Death Consciousness, but we cannot choose when we die. This applies even to those who commit suicide. As well, our deaths are not determined by some clock or some God or some divine decision. I know this because I asked. I was not told anything else about this subject—but only assured that no matter what the details look like in Living Consciousness (and I dare say even murder) no one human being gets to actually choose death for another living being. Furthermore, a living being doesn’t actually get to choose their own death. Death just happens to us all randomly, in various ways, and we must always honor that transition because it is sacred, beautiful, and justified--even if we do not understand it from our own Living Consciousness. I realize this is a difficult topic for those still processing pain and suffering from having lost a child, a beloved, a mother or father, an elder or a best friend- especially caused by the hands of some other human being.

But death comes for us, one by one, in so many different ways, and despite the drama, injustice, and details left to the Living, I assure you that the soul or what I call “Consciousness” is not suffering. In fact, they don’t want you to suffer their loss. Ever. They want everyone to experience love, and they want us to know that the only thing that actually matters in this life of “Living Consciousness” is to help and love other people.

When you are dying, you are not thinking of yourself. You are only thinking of the love you share with those in your life, throughout your life. It is all there, even the love of pets, plants, the Earth, the water. Only the love. And when you die, you aren’t missing that love or scared to lose that love because the love is with you, it IS you… it is very real… and so it is almost as if you are kind of looking down, or upon, or through… I am not quite sure how to explain it dimensionally. But you can see those you love--and you don’t want them to suffer at all! You don’t want them to suffer for you or for any reason, because none of it matters and all you can take with you is the love you shared while living.

This is why you should never wish death upon someone--because consciousness after death is beautiful… for everyone. It doesn’t matter what you did or who you were. All that matters is who you helped, who you loved, who loved you, and how much love you shared with everything else around you. That is literally it. The amount of money, job, your looks, family or none, friends or none, mistakes or perfection, NONE OF IT MATTERS after you die. You won’t remember any of those details- they don’t exist where you go. They can’t cross the threshold of Death or Beyond Consciousness.

And you don’t have a body--there aren’t shapes like in Living Consciousness. There is just Consciousness--and Consciousness isn’t like thought or opinion or feelings. Consciousness is just present existence--like when you take a breath and you are aware you took a breath. Or, when you laugh so much over anything! That place of Consciousness where you are so filled with laughter and joy and relaxation and exasperation and utter jubilation continues to exist, and when you remember that from time to time… that is consciousness existing in the present. It is sort of like a memory but in the present moment… that is the only way I can explain how it continues to exist.

One of the last things I asked was why I didn’t have a guide like so many other people say they have when they die, and the omniscient voice told me that I preferred to go on this journey alone. I laughed at this.

There are many other things that I asked and received answers to, but I couldn’t bring them back into Living Consciousness with me so I don’t remember them. I did not want to come back. But there was no way to feel anything bad where I was in Death Consciousness. It was only after I came back into my body and realized my pain and how terribly sick I was, .. that all of the feelings of grief, sadness, anger, longing, disappointment, total suffering occurred.

My cat stayed by my side the entire experience. She would not move.  I was too sick to cry. I made myself sit up, and the darkness of death around me lifted. The day afterward, I told my closest friends of my experience as I could. I also began sipping broth. I could not drink or eat prior to the NDE and did not want to. Food and taste became totally irrelevant for days before the NDE.

For almost two weeks, I had a deep deep sadness from being back in my body. I felt connected to the “Beyond Consciousness” eternal love for a few days, but it faded because when I would access it, I also started feeling sad about being alive. I think that connection faded because it was too difficult for me to continue existing in Living Consciousness. The sadness and emptiness I was left with after this experience could not be replaced by the love I received from my children or family or friends.

I struggled with wanting to continue living. I explained to my best friend that I was not the same person anymore, and the names that had been given to me were no longer who I was. She helped me discover my new name and identity, which is Water Light. We chose Water Light because of the peace I feel when I am deep under water, in total silence, looking up at the light shining through the surface, the peace and calm of floating and feeling weightless, and not needing to breathe. Water Light is the essence of how I felt after I died.

I have not really told anyone anything that I have written here, mainly because I do not want to have to defend or debate my experience. I know what happened. I know where I went. I know what I experienced. But I also feel like if I don’t share it, I am not helping in building a deeper connection and understanding to what Consciousness truly is or assisting those who devote their life work to this study. I don’t think I experienced all this just for myself. Most of what I have shared here, I wrote down as I first gained the bodily energy to write again.

Because of this experience, I have decided to help devote my academia journey, creativity, voice, research skills, and writing to help build the bridge between western science and traditional ecological knowledge to help this planet, humanity, and more than human life prosper. I don’t know what form or shape this takes yet, but I trust in it because of what I experienced from my NDE.

Since accepting that it was not my time to fully move into the Beyond Consciousness, my psychic abilities have increased. I have always had dreams of the future since I was a very small child, and I have always been able to communicate telepathically with animals. I have also experienced ghosts. However, since the NDE, my dreams of the future have increased. I can now lucid dream since the NDE, and it is here that I also meet with spirits in my dreams. These spirits help me with problems I can’t necessarily solve in my earthly form. I receive messages from the deceased for other living people. I can access this at any time if I am the person that is to deliver the message. I know how to help people heal, and sometimes this information comes through me without me having control over it.

Things that I say mean something to someone and often move them into deep beautiful tears without me having awareness of how or what it means. Also, I have started to develop the power of vision. I can touch objects and see who is sick, what that person is feeling, though I don’t always know exactly who is sick. This is a new experience for me and is strengthening over time. I can also find missing objects for other people, no matter how far they are from me. It can be in another state, and I can tell them where something is located. I just have access to different knowings and dimensions. I can hear others’ thoughts clearly as if they are my own, but it isn’t something I have total control over. I have had to learn how to hyperfocus and shut the world out so that I do not get overwhelmed, because I still haven’t figured out how to determine if it is someone else’s feeling or my own sometimes. I am learning new ways to live with this ability and am improving with this now.  

I can also hear plants, and I speak with trees, which is why I began my academic studies in Botany and graduate this coming spring with my BS in Botany & Plant Pathology. My field of current work in science is in the health and well-being of water. I visit the water regularly but have a little fear about its power of Consciousness. I don’t have all the answers, but I have many. I do know that since my NDE, I suffer much less and can now help others suffer much less.

One thing that has changed is my willingness to share my music. Before my NDE, when I would perform my music for crowds of people, many would come up to me sobbing. Grown men, hardened by the patriarchy and life, would weep and hug me, saying thank you. Since my NDE, I have struggled with sharing the healing medicine that comes from my music and voice. I think this is because I am more sensitive now, so I avoid being touched by almost everyone because of the energy I receive and visions that I get. Until I can get it fully under control (and it has been 4 years since my NDE), I don’t feel comfortable sharing this music with live crowds. I only record it and share it this way or with small, safe groups of people.