Prior to my suicide attempt I wrote a book as my suicide letter to my loved ones that compiled my journal entries over the past three years capturing the events that led me to that point.

I did not wake up that morning intending to die, but I had spent the past week editing my book and debating whether to go through with my plan or not. My boyfriend and I got into a bit of an argument that morning, however, and after he went to bed, being the night owl that he is. I took a moment to do some journaling and research before coming to the conclusion that my life was never going to improve and that it was futile to keep trying. So, I drove to the store to buy the supplies I needed. I felt possessed as I shopped almost like I was sleep-walking, and I remember thinking how weird it was that all of the passersby and cameras in those stores were seeing someone who was just about to die without even realizing it.

I pulled over into a parking lot on the way back home and wrote the final entry in my book, but the formatting bothered me on my phone so I hurried back home to finish working on it on my laptop. I attempted to write a letter to my therapist at the time as she was the person I was going to send my book to, but I accidentally wrote out the location I had planned to do it at, and even after deleting what I wrote and deciding against sending it the idea that I was being watched made me paranoid suddenly. I then looked out the window and formulated another plan that required acting on it right away. I snuggled with my boyfriend, informed him that I was going out to do some writing at my favorite coffee shop, and that I loved him. I left him to continue sleeping, grabbed the last thing I needed from the kitchen, and then went out to my car to kill myself.

I was under the impression that I would lose consciousness in a few minutes in the confined space that I was in, but it was agonizingly slow and took about two hours to do the job. I did decide to send the book to my therapist keeping my goodbye short. I knew she was on vacation at the time so I figured she wouldn't see the email until after my death. I basically just laid my seat back and stared at the partly cloudy sky imagining what death was going to be like, while occasionally filling the pan with more charcoal and then relighting it. I tried listening to music on my phone, but decided to lay in silence.

Besides sweating from the sun blaring down on my car, the first thing I noticed was that I started seeing black specs in my vision. Then I noticed that my heart was beating faster. I looked at my phone and realized an hour had passed and I still wasn't unconscious. 

I laid there breathing it in feeling my throat begin to burn slightly, and then out of frustration, I started hyperventilating hoping that I could get the carbon monoxide into my body faster that way, but then I just tried to force myself to fall asleep instead. The specs of black in my vision were everywhere, and my heartbeat was pounding so fast and hard I felt it beating through my neck. I thought for a brief moment to jump out of the car, but I talked myself out of it, and then I thought about how sad it was going to be for my boyfriend to find my body after having slept through my suicide. At some point after counting way over a hundred sheep I managed to fall asleep.

At first I was dreaming, but I wasn't really aware of it yet, but I did start to become aware of this uncontrollable sense of movement, and it started out appearing visually almost like a dull mustardy yellow around me mixed with layers of whites as if I was looking at a sunny day through closed eyelids, and I started to become aware of sounds around me that sounded like they were coming from in front of me, outside of the car. One of the voices was a female and I thought for a moment that maybe my therapist had showed up with an ambulance, and then I realized that my boyfriend had found me, but the movement was taking me away from there and I just let it happen.

It went from a dream-like yellow-orange-and-white layered world to progressively dark, and darker, almost like I was moving away from a dream-like yet lucid perception until I found myself staring at this swirling life-like black-as-ink darkness in front of me. It felt like I was pulled away from something and that I was traveling without even trying towards a destination. The further away I got, the faster it felt, and I just analyzed the darkness in front of me, seeing this greenish-yellow unearthly hue reflecting off of the waves and swirls of darkness in front of me. The vividness was unlike anything I had seen, but I wasn't fully conscious of what was happening just yet though, and I didn't really feel fear per-se, perhaps more of an innocent curiosity. In fact, it was like I forgot that I was even anything at all; only my perception of that darkness existed.

Suddenly a form appeared in front of me in vivid and exquisite detail, way more real-looking than seeing a being in front of you through human eyes, almost like a vision or projection, and it seemed to have lit the darkness while it was there in front of me, making it appear almost brown, and then vanished. It looked like the human body I was leaving behind, but older, possibly mid-life, alive and staring back at me. It startled me at first, but then I was consciously aware of everything that was happening in that moment. I looked where I was moving towards and realized that I was traveling through a tunnel. I couldn't see a light at the end, but I knew somehow that if I kept going, I'd eventually reach it. Then I wondered how I was able to see in the darkness, and it dawned on me that I no longer was in a body and that the light source was coming from me. My movement slowed down, although I was still headed towards my destination, and there was no concept or feeling of time passing at all in the space I was in, but I knew time was still passing in the world I was leaving behind.

I started to think to myself, although it wasn't really like thinking, it's hard to explain; it's like I was thinking without words, but I understood what I was thinking about. I started out wondering what it meant to leave that life behind. The further I traveled the more aware and the more things I knew, like I felt ancient, like this wasn't the first time I had lived a life, and I "asked" myself if I was truly ready to let that life go because I knew if I did, I would never be able to return. I then looked back to where I was moving away from, and I saw my body lying in a hospital bed hooked up to a breathing tube from a sort-of birds-eye-view, as if I was facing the doorway from the back wall of that room. I saw my mom and boyfriend there with me to the right of the bed, and I found it particularly interesting that my boyfriend was even there at all given his agoraphobia. It wasn't like I was actually there in the room with them, it was like I was seeing a very vivid vision or holographic image, but it looked like it would if I were on Earth, not like before when I saw the older "self," like I was in space staring through a microscope peering into that room, and I knew then that I needed to make a decision.

I pondered again what it meant to keep going, that it wasn't like I was never going to see my boyfriend and mother again, they just wouldn't be those characters in that particular life. It's like everyone was just like me, disembodied light, and that they too would go where I was going. But it's like I was giving up getting to read a story almost, like I'd never get to experience them ever again in that particular body in that particular story ever again. Before I made my decision I remember feeling like I was close to becoming one with "God" or the creator or whatever, like I was close to merging with something that felt peaceful and warm, like I was expanding and being embraced, and my own light seemed brighter, almost golden, but I was facing away from where I was traveling to still, and then I thought out loud as if I was talking and heard, "I made a mistake," in plain English.

The moment I thought that, it was like I "snapped" back into my body, but the connection was faulty. I felt far away, like I was in my body's head, and I could feel myself trying to sort of "push" myself back in, but it was dark, and all I had were the sensations of my unconscious body and the voices around me. I felt my crotch being wiped, and I remember noting how rough and violating it felt, but I couldn't move, and then a catheter was shoved inside of me. Then I felt the ambulance moving, and then I remember it stopped, then it drove again. I noted to myself that I was being rescued in that moment, that I must be in an ambulance on my way to the hospital. Then I pushed some more and heard time around me skip.

Now I wasn't moving, but I must have been in my ER room now, and I heard my great aunt's voice talking to me. Then I pushed some more, and suddenly my boyfriend was there, then again, my sister was there, and then I heard my boyfriend's mom there. I was gaining information from what I was listening to as well, but I still couldn't move my body because I was unconscious. I stopped for a moment when my boyfriend, sister, and his mom were in the room with me. My boyfriend was going to tell them the story of how he found me prompted by my sister, but his mom told them to keep things positive, and then I heard them pray for me.

My boyfriend and sister were discussing how they were scared that I might have brain damage, and I remember hearing my boyfriend declare that he would care for me no matter what state I was in, if I ever woke up. I remember the doctor coming in and explaining that I had carbon monoxide and cyanide poisoning, and that my heart had stopped in the ambulance resulting in resuscitation, and that they were giving me something to reverse the carbon monoxide in my blood.

Then my boyfriend was telling me to come back to him, and I felt his hand holding mine, and I tried as hard as I could now to move my body but it was paralyzed, but then I managed to squeeze his hand almost like I was animating a corpse. He then freaked out declaring that I squeezed his hand, so my sister who was on the left of me grabbed my other hand and asked me to do the same to her, so I tried as hard as I could until I did, which made her freak out as well, and I think I was squeezing both of their hands at this point. I was just trying to tell them that I was coming back, and I just wanted so desperately to open my eyes but I couldn't. I heard them call for the doctor, who then called for the neurologist. Then I felt this inflation and deflation feeling in my chest, and I realized for a moment that my lungs were being pumped with air, which made me realize that there was a breathing tube in my throat. I started to gag uncontrollably feeling my shoulders rhythmically shiver as I did. Then I became aware of the uncomfortable position my head was in. My head throbbed on the back left side, and I begged in my mind for someone to move my head but I knew they couldn't hear me.

I heard the neurologist come in and they asked why I was twitching my shoulders like that, and if he could explain how I was squeezing their hands as they wanted confirmation that I was even in there at all. He lifted my eyelids and moved a light back and forth but I wasn't able to respond. He sounded like he was in total disbelief that I was even consciously aware of what was going on around me and told them that the movement of my shoulders was just a gag reflux and that he would send a nurse in to give me a sedative. I retreated from pushing in for a bit, to relieve the discomfort I was in. I remember thinking that there was no point in trying to breathe if the machine was doing it for me, and I even considered just being in a coma if I wanted to. Then I started to think existential wondering if I was the body that whole time or the disembodied light, but in the end I didn't care because I just wanted so badly to open my eyes and see them all and tell them that I was going to be ok, so I pushed again. The breathing tube was annoying my throat, and then I felt my lifeless feeling arms moving of their own accord attempting to rip the breathing tube out but they were stopped by restraints. The twitching in my shoulders got more aggressive as I choked on the tube, and then my feet were animating as well, lifelessly kicking on their own. I heard my mom's sister then joke that I was trying to run a marathon or something, and then I heard them say that my mom and dad were on their way. All of these people that visited me lived far away, but it was like no time passed at all when they showed up. It's like they just appeared, and I was aware how fast time was sounding around me but it felt timeless from my perspective. Then the nurse came in and gave me the sedative, and I was upset about that because I knew then that time was about to really skip ahead and I desperately wanted to hear my mom.

I heard my sister's voice to my left suddenly encouraging me to wake up and come back to her. I felt her hand in my hand, and then the irritation from the breathing tube. I started to choke again, but this time I felt them take it out, and then I forced my eyes open with all of my might until I finally saw her.

She asked me if I remembered anything and I told her that I did and that I'll tell her all about it, but the nurse came in and told her that visitation was over so I promised to explain when she returned. I immediately fell asleep then. I woke up sometime later to the doctor standing beside my bed. She asked me what I knew so I told her everything leaving out the tunnel experience, and she confirmed that I was right and corrected some details that my memory was a little fuzzy on. She told me that as they were loading me into the ambulance, my heart had stopped so they had to shock it back to life a few times. The pain in my chest was the result of that. They had me on life support for at least 24 hours. After she left, I fell asleep again, and when I woke up the next time, I was quite disoriented on the date. I went in on a Monday and it was now Wednesday. My body was so weak and my chest hurt so bad that I had to be helped out of bed to use the commode beside it, then I would fall back asleep as soon as they had me back in the bed. My sister and boyfriend visited me again during my recovery, and then I finally got to see my mom. For at least the first two days I focused entirely on regaining my strength before thinking more seriously about my experience.

The medical staff were the absolute best on the unit I was on; however, I found out pretty quickly how terrible their mental health workers were. They had me on suicide watch, given the circumstances that landed me in the hospital, which I had no complaint about as each of my babysitters were awesome people, but after being threatened involuntary hospitalization when I refused psychiatric meds because I wanted to wait until my inpatient stay, then rejected from the inpatient hospital I felt safe going to, due to being too "medically complicated" in which they told me that I was now going to a hospital whose reviews reported abuse and mistreatment, and the number of social workers that clearly did not communicate with each other and completely dismissed my concerns, the positive outlook and feelings I had gained from my near-death experience were suddenly tainted with despair and crippling anxiety. When they moved me out of the ICU there was some miscommunication between the nurse and social workers as well, so there were a couple days where my visitations were taken away, and I fought like hell to get them to figure it out because I needed to see my loved ones.

I went from a hopeful outlook when I first woke up, believing that my suicide was the mistake my disembodied form was talking about, to now thinking that the mistake was choosing to come back to life and that I was better off leaving this all behind. I developed severe panic attacks in my sleep, which continued for months after recovery. My inpatient hospital stay ended up being traumatic as well, which worsened my anxiety. I had to move in with my parents for a period of time after returning home to my boyfriend because my anxiety and unstable mood were creating conflict.

When I finally saw my therapist again I was told that I was now even too complicated for her so she referred me to do DBT, but the program didn't take in people with my insurance, and then months later I found out that she banned me from seeing any therapist from her clinic. I attempted a couple times to discuss my tunnel experience while hospitalized, but unfortunately it was recorded and used against me to prove how mentally ill I was. My boyfriend's mother, upon hearing that I did not see light at the end of the tunnel, jumped to the conclusion that I was on my way to Hell, and one of the nurses I had told used my story to confirm her Christian beliefs. I learned really fast that one's life experience warps their interpretation, so I'm hesitant to really say that I felt God's presence towards the end of my journey in that tunnel as "God" can be interpreted in so many ways that it doesn't do what I experienced justice. I've found, from trying to explain how it truly felt and was like, that it is quite ineffable really.

The experience really has changed me forever more, whether for the better or worse is still to be determined, but who I was before and after are dramatically different. I gained so much insight during and after that I often feel like I'm losing my mind because there is just no possible way to explain or prove it, but it really did happen, and I know with absolute certainty, despite the evidence, that I am not this body and this life isn't really "real." I term this experience the "split" because, upon becoming aware of myself, it took months to integrate back into my body. The "me" that is the disembodied light, and my "body" that is the persona that everyone sees and interacts with (aka, the brain), are now two separate beings. I was far more "psychic" when I wasn't fully integrated yet, as if a part of me stayed behind in the tunnel before coming back. It seems the more time passes, the more "here" I become. It's what I would imagine it would be like for two brains to share a single body, but instead I am an invisible force attempting to exist as one with an organic form that has a mind of its own. It amuses me now how unaware people are of what they are truly saying. I've had moments where it feels like everyone is just pretending or playing their characters and actually are aware of who they really are, but I do remember what it was like to play this part before my death. I feel like the song "Not Human" by Young Medicine captures this "split" well. The answers are hidden in our very language, that or my interpretations are far different now, after returning to life.

I did look at my hospital records a couple months ago and found out the details that were occurring as I was in the tunnel. My boyfriend found me in my car unconscious, and with the help of his dad, he rescued me. The ambulance got there the moment my heart stopped beating and for several minutes they performed rigorous CPR and shocked me a few times until my heart was finally in a stable rhythm. I believe I was gone during that time and returned the moment my heart was stable.

I did confirm from my boyfriend that the scene I saw of him and my mom in the hospital room while I was in the tunnel did indeed actually happen. The ER staff were only letting two-three people see me at once, so there was indeed a time where they were the only two in the room with me. As I was being transported to the inpatient hospital, the ambulance team traveled through the ER, so I confirmed visually that the rooms I saw on my way through there looked exactly as it had in the tunnel, too. I technically saw my near future as it had yet to occur, when I returned to my body.

They did use ketamine on me, which I understand is a dissociative anesthetic, but being someone who dissociates on a regular basis, I highly doubt that can explain my disembodied experience. I highly doubt my brain could have manifested such an experience anyway, given that it was deprived of oxygen. I also doubt it was a dream, as I've had numerous lucid dreams throughout my life and I've always had a human body, and I can't imagine a brain, whose entire existence has been as a human, could possibly conceive a disembodied experience the very moment it's dying. The experience seriously challenged my beliefs at the time, too, as I was under the impression that death would result in ceasing to exist at all, so I was entirely caught off guard when I found myself in that tunnel.

As for my book written before the experience, my boyfriend stumbled upon the email to my therapist in his investigation to figure out why I tried to end my life and sent it to my mom, who sent it to my sister, and as far as I know they are the only ones who have read it, including the therapist. It did not do "why" justice, however, but it did strengthen my relationships with my loved ones, as it brought awareness to the suffering I had endured up to that point.