A few weeks after my mother punched me, when I was in my twenties, I developed pain in my left shoulder. I saw various practitioners: naturopaths; acupuncturists; energy healers; sports therapists; osteopaths; chiropractors; doctors; and eventually orthopaedic surgeons. My shoulder was frozen and I had inflammation in the joint that was becoming increasingly painful.

One night I took our dogs for a walk and they charged off in different directions at the same time, with me in the middle holding their leads. My shoulder was pulled in opposite directions and I could feel the pain increasing. Later that night, the pain was so bad I couldn’t stay in bed. I spent the rest of the night leaning on cushions and pillows on a mattress in the spare room. After a couple of painful nights like that, we bought a recliner rocker so I could sleep semi-upright.

Surgery was possible but it was a long wait and I was put on pain killers every 4 hours. Most nights I would take my pain killers, sit in the recliner and sleep for maybe an hour and a half, then wake in pain and wait for another two and a half hours before I could take the next dose. Some nights I only managed to get a couple of hours sleep. One such night, I was sitting up with a doona (comforter) wrapped around me and a hot water bottle on my lap, trying to manage the pain, waiting for time to pass so I could take the next dose of pain medication. I often meditated while I waited, and perhaps I was meditating that night.

Suddenly, I found myself in what I call “the golden place,” a place that I knew was not of this world, a place filled with beautiful golden light, and I was totally free of pain. I was surrounded by that radiant golden light, and it was a completely immersive experience; warm gold light was all around me and through me, permeating all aspects of my being. The light seemed warm, but this was not a physical warmth, it was heartfelt warmth, the warmth of love, a golden embrace. Words are just not adequate to describe this place or this experience; they in no way do justice to it.

Light and love permeated every part of me. I knew I was loved beyond any experience of love I had ever felt on earth, love that was way beyond earthly love, and I was at peace. I seemed to be at the edge of this golden place; I was immersed in golden light, and the golden light spread out before me and on into the distance. There were energetic beings in the more central part of this place, moving around a little away from me, perhaps attending to their own business, and there were presences who were there with me, caring for me, guiding me, loving me.

All was love. The word ‘divine’ comes to me, but that word doesn’t even begin to describe the loving presence that was at the essence of that golden place. How blessed am I, to have been transported out of my painful earth life to that experience of sublime love and joy? I have tried to describe this to people, but the picture my words paint is pale in comparison to the reality of my experience. How can I help others understand? How can I help others believe that when we die, we go to that golden place?

There was a knowing for me in that place, I remember knowing that all human beings go there eventually after they die. Perhaps all the meditation and reading and reflecting I had done helped me go straight there. From what I have read, it seems that souls firstly ‘see’ what they believe they will see when they die. If that is true, and you believe in Christ, Buddha, Mohammed or some other higher being, that is who you will ‘see’. Perhaps we all ‘see’ the ultimate source of all love and we make sense of that by imagining this is the being who matches our religious expectations or other earthly experiences. I guess some people ‘see’ hell because that is what they have been taught. In the church I was a member of, hell was there somewhere in the literature, but it was not held up as a vivid picture or a very active threat.

At nine years old I had an experience of a divine presence speaking to me, a being who loved and accepted me; there was no thought of judgement or punishment. I did not believe in the heaven I had been told about in my church, and had never thought of the beyond visually in the way I experienced it that painful night as an adult, although saying that does not do justice to how I ‘saw’ the light or those beings. My earthly eyes were not with me; it was my soul that ‘saw’ these things. When I found myself in that golden place, I simply knew I had come home and that this was where my soul belonged.

I think there was healing occurring for my soul in that golden place. Love heals, that is a truth for me that dates back to my father holding my foot with love when I was sick as a teenager. My experience in that golden place confirmed the healing power of love for me, but I cannot explain how. I knew my physical pain was not being healed, but that wasn’t a focus for me; it simply didn’t matter. Time is different there, so I have no idea how much time passed on earth while I was there; it seemed like eternity. Soaking up that love and light and soul healing, I somehow knew I was being given the choice to stay there or to return to earthly life. My focus was just being there; it was so beautiful, why would I want to leave?

Communication seemed to come to me from those spiritual beings caring for me, but there were no words spoken. The word telepathy is too limited, it really doesn’t describe how I received that communication. I just knew what was being ‘said.’ Love and care flowed continually to me and there was the knowledge that I could stay there, but I was encouraged to look back at my earthly life, and then choose whether I would stay or go back.

When my Sue died from suicide, after I recovered from the first shock, I was angry with her. I had never considered suicide as an option, but once she died and I experienced the pain of losing her and witnessed the impact of her death on my parents, I knew I could never hurt others in that way. The door to voluntary death slammed shut and, even though I hadn’t considered that door as an option for me, suddenly that option had gone. Now, here I was, in that wonderful golden home where my soul truly belonged, being given that option again.

With that loving encouragement, my focus turned towards my earthly life, and I became conscious of my husband, Kerrin, and my two teenage daughters. Kerrin had lost his first wife to a very rapid cancer some years before I met him, and his children had lived through the death of their mother at a young age. I couldn’t leave Kerrin, my daughters (or my step-children), and give them pain in that way. My pain diminished in importance when I sensed the pain my death might cause. I also had many clients who would feel pain if I died. I had twice had to tell someone else's clients that their therapist had died, and it was like slamming them with something so big it was overwhelming to them and me, so that also informed my choice: I decided to come back to this earth life.

My journey back into my earthly body was a difficult one, even though my decision to return to earth was strong. I seemed to climb down a ladder: later I equated this to Jacob’s ladder in the Bible and understood this was my imagination showing me a structure that my earthly self could understand to help me come back into my earth body. I climbed down that ladder slowly, with intent, gradually becoming more distant from the experience of that golden place of love and light, but still feeling the beauty of that light and those presences, and still feeling loved.

When what seemed to be the tips of my spiritual toes touched the top of my earth body head, I began to feel my physical pain again; it was like climbing into a swimming pool filled with pain. I climbed back fully into my physical body and the pain was just as bad; however, my attitude to it was different. It was ok to be in pain, for I knew that one day I would return to that golden place and leave my earthly pain behind.

It was ok and it wasn’t ok. The pain was just as bad and I still couldn’t lie down, but I was able to accept that this earth journey is just a small step along the way for my soul, and I knew my human form would eventually die and I would return home to that golden place. I also knew that my pain was an opportunity for further soul development in this life and I valued that. Eventually, I had surgery and most of that pain eased.