Introduction

In the fall of 2012, I experienced something that would change my life forever. It did not come through near-death or dramatic illness, but through a moment of total emotional collapse—followed by a profound spiritual encounter that lifted me out of despair and reconnected me with the divine. This is my story of awakening, not through death, but through choosing love in the midst of unimaginable pain.

Background

My soul had been speaking for years through many experiences (illness, grief, trauma, suicide, death, disease, an accident that was worse than death, a spiritual betrayal, a corporate injustice). Each one carved a wound, a lesson, a scar. But they were merely precursors to the real initiation. Because to this point nothing compared to the death of my best friend’s child and a dark night of the soul that followed. Lasting for almost a year. That was when everything external fell silent, and I was left face to face with the longing of my own soul.

I could no longer hide the gifts I had been given. No matter how much I tried to silence the call or blend in with the world around me, my soul kept rising. It ached to be known, to be lived, to be seen. And that ache… became unbearable. That was the moment I started to break. Not from what the world had done to me, but from what I had denied within myself.

After all these experiences, just when I thought I had reached my limit, came the final blow: infidelity. It wasn’t just the betrayal that undid me, it was what it revealed. All the false selves I had built… the masks I had worn… the illusions I had clung to in order to feel safe, accepted, and loved. They shattered. And in that shattering, something ancient in me died. Maybe not my physical body, but something far more stubborn: my ego. My need to control, to prove, to perform, to protect… all of it burned in the fire of that heartbreak. I was stripped bare. Raw. Exposed. And for the first time in my life, fully available for something new to enter. That was the death that birthed my awakening.

My family unit being shattered broke me into a million pieces and pierced me more deeply than anything before. I felt as though I had died inside. My body was flooded with pain; my thoughts were consumed by betrayal, and fear held me hostage. Looking back, I can see that the spiritually transformative experience wasn’t caused by the infidelity itself. I had endured far more painful events in my life before that moment—things that could have broken me open many times over. But what made this moment different was the choice I made in response to it.

In the midst of heartbreak, I didn’t choose anger, or blame, or retaliation. I chose love. I chose peace. I chose to try and understand rather than defend. And in that single choice—something inside me surrendered. It wasn’t the pain that cracked me open. It was the death of the ego that followed. That surrender, that alignment with divine love… that’s what lifted the veil. That’s what initiated my connection to something far greater than myself. And from that space, everything changed.

The Turning Point

That morning, I could barely move. I remember lying in bed, whispering the only words I could manage: “God, give me enough strength to help me make it through this day.” Something stirred within me. A faint light, a clarity rose up in me. In that moment of complete devastation, I made the choice to stop fighting, blaming, and accusing others for my fate. And with that decision, I instantly connected to my higher mind.

A great peace unfolded within me. This peace soothed my aching body and silenced my ego mind. It felt as if I had been lifted from my bed. And in what seemed like the blink of an eye, I was showered and drawn to my favorite place in the house. This room had big, open windows and a covered deck. It was my space—my refuge. The place I always went to for peace and connection. I would often meditate here, look out at the beauty around me, and express gratitude for all my blessings. Everywhere I looked from this sacred space, all I could feel was love. So, it’s no surprise that, on the morning when life felt so grim, I was guided back to the one place that had always brought me peace. It was here, standing quietly and broken, that something miraculous happened.

The Experience

As I stood in that room, I witnessed something extraordinary. An outpouring of divine love. Looking out the window, I saw an abundance of beautiful doves flying from a nearby parking lot to the park. They traveled feverishly, back and forth. It appeared as if they were on assignment—gathering in perfect timing—all for the evolution of one soul. As I watched this… I could not believe what I was seeing, feeling, and knowing, but in my heart, I knew this extraordinary event was created for me. A feeling of peace and warmth encapsulated me.

After quite some time watching this from the window, I walked outside onto my deck. I could feel the cool, crisp fall air— and almost instantaneously, a bubble of heat encircled me. It felt just like I had felt as a child when my mother wrapped her arms around me in such a loving manner that all my worries faded into a distant memory. I continued watching the beauty and magnificence of this miraculous collaboration. At this point, I could feel only oneness inside of me.

I heard the sweet whispers of the Universe saying: “My precious child, do not despair—for I am right here.” With that thought, I could feel my heart and solar plexus beaming, as if I had been penetrated internally by the rays of the Great Central Sun.

After about twenty minutes, I had observed close to 100 doves gather into an array of flawless beauty. Then, before my very eyes, I watched as one dove took flight— and the rest followed, in a pristine alliance of unmistakable precision. Separately, but united with meticulous timing, each dove graciously appeared before me, only a few feet away from the deck I sat on— each on a quest to remind me of my divine inheritance. With each greeting, a fire was set aflame within me, transforming my human mind to a state of grace.

Every passing dove carried with it a message that captivated my soul and filled my entire being with thoughts of: charity, transcendence, compassion, perfection, encouragement, greatness, bliss, generosity, gratitude, inspiration, reassurance, joy, affection, sympathy, humanity, strength, understanding, kindness, goodwill, and love. You can only imagine the overwhelming feelings my human body was experiencing. I had never felt anything like this in my life. It felt as if I was one with the whole Universe.

When the last remaining dove—or symbol of higher truth—blessed me and flew away, something inside of me was forever changed. All the anger and fear were removed, as if the fires of a burning flame had just cleansed my mind and body. Through the power of choice, on this particular day, I was given the gift of true forgiveness and love- not only toward those who had hurt me, but most importantly, toward myself. When I allowed myself the gift of forgiveness, it started the process of healing for me. In learning to trust myself, God came alive within me. I could actually sense the perfection in my pain. I knew a miracle was about to unfold in my life.

The Aftermath

When the last dove flew away, something inside me was forever changed. All the pain, anger, and fear I had been holding for so long… left me. I felt as though the fires of love had burned through every wound, every lie I had believed about myself.

For the first time in my life, I knew what love really was. It wasn’t something external to earn or chase, it was the presence of God within me. That day, I experienced what I can only describe as Heaven on Earth.

Integration

This moment awakened something eternal in me. I realized that love is not accessed through the intellect, but through surrender.

By forgiving others and most importantly, myself, I opened the door to divine guidance, soul remembrance, and a higher truth.

Since that day, I’ve seen the world differently. I live with more softness, deeper trust, and the knowledge that even in our darkest hours, love is always near.

Final Reflection

I did not have to die to experience the divine. I had to let die the parts of me that were built on fear, pain, and illusion. This experience was not just a mystical vision. It was a rebirth.

And in that moment, I remembered who I am: A soul of light, wrapped in a human story, now awakened to love.

I Lived the Next Year in Heaven on Earth

I lived the next year having one mystical experience after another. The kundalini rose from my spine like a serpent of light. I would lie in bed, trembling with a euphoria unlike anything I had ever known. I had access to the other side of the veil—my grandpa became a frequent visitor, guiding and comforting me from beyond. Angels surrounded me, holding my hand daily. I began dreaming dreams more vivid than waking life. The secrets of the universe were downloaded directly into my heart.

A new kind of love opened within me, the kind that knows no judgment and holds no fear. A love that forgives the unforgivable and embraces the unlovable. For the first time in my life, I understood Christ consciousness.

Words began to flow through me as if they had been stored in the deepest chambers of my soul, waiting for this moment to rise. What poured forth was not just poetry—it was sacred remembrance.

The Return

But it wasn’t until I decided I had to return to my life—my old life—that I began to lose the connection. It wasn’t that Spirit left me. It was that I left myself. You see, I thought I couldn’t have both worlds. I thought I had to choose—either live in that mystical realm of divine love or return to the human world of responsibility and routine. What I had experienced was so magical, so beyond words, I didn’t know how to share it with anyone. And the longer I kept it to myself, the more my soul felt like it was dying. And so was I.

What Held Me Back

Now, to be clear—I was doing the work. I wrote. I poured my heart onto pages. I even published two books during the last 13 years. But still, something in me couldn’t fully step outside the fear of being seen. Something old. Something deep. Maybe it goes all the way back to childhood when I was trying to push away spiritual gifts. A time when I didn’t want to stand out… even though I always did. When being different felt dangerous. When blending in felt safer than being who I really was. So even as my soul cried to be known, my survival instinct whispered, don’t be too much. Don’t draw too much attention. Don’t give them a reason to think you’re strange.

And my ego-mind, it knew exactly how to keep me small. It didn’t just prey on insecurity, it played on my deepest emotions. It used my fierce love for my children. What if someone gave them a hard time because of my beliefs? What if my truth made life harder for them?

And it twisted my desire to respect others’ paths into a muzzle on my own voice. I didn’t want to push myself onto people. I didn’t want to offend, or preach, or appear arrogant.

But the silence I chose created a hole inside me that was a slow and sacred ache. A vacuum that pulled me under for many years. The more I kept the truth inside, the more disconnected I became. The more disconnected I became, the more I forgot the fullness of who I am. And though I kept showing up on the outside… On the inside, I was grieving the parts of me I had hidden away. The stillness that once brought peace now felt like exile. And the words that once flowed effortlessly through me grew quiet beneath the weight of not being spoken.

The Reclamation

Until one day, I couldn’t keep it in any longer. It didn’t come with fanfare. No stage. No spotlight. No grand revelation. Just a quiet moment with myself. A breath. A prayer. A decision: I don’t have to hide anymore. My story is sacred. My voice is needed. My truth is love. And love—real love—does not require me to disappear.

So, I began to speak again. To write not just in private, but in public. To share not just the pretty parts, but the raw, real, miraculous path I’ve walked. Each time I shared a piece of my story, I reclaimed another part of myself.

And what I found was this: I can live in both worlds. I am allowed to be mystical and human. Grounded and divine. Bold and tender. Different… and still deeply loved. Because I was never meant to fit in. I was born to shine through.