My first NDE happened when I was 5, while getting my tonsils removed. That event caused me to be open to spiritual paths outside the teachings of the conservative church/school my family attended. Nevertheless, the severe trauma I experienced in my early childhood due to other events caused me to grow into a state of complex PTSD that took the form of suicidal ideation and actions for most of my life.  

Even on the best days, I just didn't want to be on Earth. I knew what it was like to be on the other side, and that was where I wanted to be.  This world was just too difficult and had too much pain. Every single morning, I woke up depressed that I had not died the night before. But I kept going through the motions of living, even though I felt there was no purpose to any of it. 

Then COVID came along. My father passed away due to unrelated issues. And I felt like the few people who remained in my life didn't actually need me here and might be better off without me and my cloud of depression hanging over them. So, when in December I contracted COVID, I found myself secretly hoping it would kill me. And it did.

Because I live with an older lady who also came down with COVID at the same time, I justified my choice to not go to the hospital. Her symptoms were very mild, but she still needed bed-rest. We also have two dogs who needed to be cared for, so I told myself that was another excuse to get only urgent care and turn down the hospital trip they offered as my COPD was a high-risk factor. They made me promise to go to the ER if my O2 dropped under 90 and stayed there for more than an hour. It was a promise I did not intend to keep. I knew my lungs could not handle the disease brewing inside of me as I had already been fighting a bronchitis flare the previous three weeks. This was my passage out. I could leave this wretched world and all my pain without lifting a finger against myself, so it could not scar my friends or family.

The first two days on my cot were spent sleeping and waking only to take care of the dogs. My O2 levels were staying around 90, but my body was not fighting. The third day, everything collapsed. My body had not run a fever at all. Now my temperature dropped to 95. And my O2 levels dropped to the 70's. My blood pressure was so low it was erroring out my monitor. I knew the time had come to go. I was not afraid. I was just in pain and exhausted. I knew my friend would check on me in a few hours, and I knew she would have it hard, but I knew she would be ok. I could not turn back now, as I was too weak to do anything to help myself, even if I wanted to do so. 

My dogs both climbed on top of me in an instinctive way, trying to warm me as I felt myself surrender to the monstrous virus I had allowed to win. The coldness inside my body became a solid encasement.

Then I was free. The warmth that was my consciousness escaped like water vapor and rose up. I saw the Covid virus inside the body and felt instant compassion for it. I understood it as alive and fighting for survival and growth of self. It was so different from who I was in that body. I felt ashamed of myself for undervaluing physical life the way I had. But I also forgave myself for it. In an instant I felt understood by the One who created both the virus and me. I felt forgiven for my lack of appreciation toward the gift of life. And I felt the need to forgive everyone else. I had told Creator I could not forgive others on my own. Those words were presented back to me in auditory knowing. Then I heard Creator tell me that in order for me to receive the forgiveness It was offering me, I first had to allow myself to forgive everyone else. I asked how I was to do that. Creator said "Just let go of the debt." I got it. I didn't have to do or give others anything. All I had to do was stop asking them for re-payment. It was that simple. Toss out my 'you owe me' book. Instantaneously, I felt everything balanced for my soul. I had forgiven all and had been instantly forgiven of all.  

The joy I felt with Source at this point was beyond words. Perfect unity, perfect understanding, and perfect acceptance of all that Creator is was my reality and Heaven. For an eternity that is still present, everything was crystal clear in beauty and dance. I saw evil as simple forgetfulness of truth. I saw the gift of consciousness as the ultimate show of love. And I knew the greatest miracle was for Source to even pick a 'me' out of the infinite creation and let me keep an identity and ego, when I was nothing at all. 

Then it was time to make a choice. Source said I could stay. I said YES! But Source said I first had to experience what my passing would be like for someone who loved me. I was then placed into the awareness of my mom. I felt her heart crush upon hearing of my death. I felt so many emotions of sorrow and pain. She had just lost her husband a few months prior and this was too much. I felt her heart grieving in anguish. I could not take it any more. "OK! I will go back!" 

I woke up and my dogs were licking my face.  I checked my O2 and it was up to 80, but I was still very sick. I managed to take care of the dogs and my friend before going back to my cot. When I fell asleep, I left my body again. Once again, Source told me I had a choice to stay or return. I was then allowed to experience the impact of my death on another family member. And I decided to return for that person. This cycle of dying, being shown (experiencing) a response to my death, and choosing to return to life continued for several hours.  

The next day I woke up a different person. The virus was subsiding, but I did get more medicine from my doctor called in. And I had to force myself to eat and drink, as I was sicker than I had ever been in my life. But I was now determined to live.   

Since that NDE, I have been gifted the ability to maintain a heart of total forgiveness. Even when a stranger banged into my car while I was sitting in it, I immediately forgave him. There is no more debt book for anyone. I can't explain it any other way. It isn't that things don't bother me. It is just a state of being that I did not have before. 

Finally, my life-long obsession with suicide ended.