These NDE accounts were submitted to our website and are published here anonymously. Minor edits have been made to protect the identity of the experiencer and others who may have been involved with the experience. Note to researchers and authors: IANDS cannot grant permission to publish quotations from these NDE accounts because we have not received permission from the NDE authors to do so. However, we advise authors who wish to use quotations from these accounts to follow the Fair Use Doctrine. See our Copyright PolicyPolicy for more information. We recommend adopting this practice for quotations from our web site before you have written your book or article.
Death is a transition from one form into another. Death is not the end but rather the beginning of real life. Life as we call it today really feels like hell when you have experienced true life...true transitioning. My "life" will never be the same again. I have never been more "found" and totally lost at the same time. This is my story.
Since the age of 16 I have had a heart condition called supraventricular tachycardia (SVT). I have had probably 100 episodes which prompt me to go to the hospital. Basically, an SVT is a rapid irregular arrhythmia where the heart doesn't pump but quivers until it is medically stopped only to start up normally again. Most times I know in advance that I am about to have an SVT and with every episode I have been conscious, talking, joking, very light hearted. That’s until this time.
In the early morning of Sunday September 19, 2010 at 12:40 a.m. my husband and I had just turned the lights out to go to sleep. I was lying on my back and had just put my head on my pillow when I felt suffocated. I gasped for air and found myself in an SVT without warning. From the moment this attack started it was very different and I was unusually fearful almost immediately. I felt impending doom and a silent knowing that I wasn't going to make it.
My husband rushed me to the hospital (like he has done countless other times before) thinking it was just another episode. With previous episodes when we are on our way to the hospital I am talkative, bossy with his driving, just down-right in control. However, this was the only time I couldn't seem to speak, I felt withdrawn, not in control, fearful, and in amazement all at the same time.
Once we got to the hospital I tried to warn the nurses to "get something happening, this is not going to go well for me." I have had so many of these episodes, many of the nurses knew of me, and worked on me previously. They seemed to have a comfortable recognition factor to which they took the situation like it was just another episode. I kept telling them "This is going to go real bad real fast, do something." I started to throw up. I felt like I was losing control of my bowels, my blood pressure dropped to 56/27, I heard them calling a "pre-code." Once I realized the pre-code was me, I felt such relief that they got the message that I wasn't going to make it.
Things started happening real fast at this point. I told my husband, "I think I am going to die. It’s going to be okay." I just wanted him to be prepared and not shocked. At this point, I am still in my conscious mind still in my body with my brain working and humanly knowing. I was not scared anymore. I felt resigned and I gave complete control to the nurses and doctors who so many times before have converted me with no trouble. Although I was fully surrendered to the doctors, I had complete blind faith that I was about to die and was totally okay with it.
The last thing I remember is throwing up and begging the doctors to let me go to the bathroom. I don't remember who was in the trauma room; I didn't see my husband anymore, just some doctor saying "You're in good hands." My last conscious brain thought was, "Yes I am going to good hands." And that is the last thing my mind remembers.
I have so much trouble explaining in words what happened because the experience is not of words but rather a "knowing."
My dad (who died in 2008) and I were standing by an orange cap in the trauma room. But it’s not like our brains were thinking. I did not see his face but it was more like a "knowing." I didn't have the identity but I was the essence/spirit/energy of who I am. We stood..."stood" is the wrong word as it makes you think that we had feet, or we were a solid matter, but we didn't hover either. My dad and I "just were" beside some orange cap which felt like it was up high and we could see (again not with our eyes) just "know" that there were a lot of people in the trauma room and you could feel the tension, pressure, excitement, fear, animosity, frustration among all those people. It was not pleasant to feel so my dad and I left the trauma room.
My dad and I were somewhere dark. It felt like downstairs in my house without the lights on. I could smell my dad’s cigarette and his body odor. It was wonderful and peaceful knowing to communicative you didn't need a mouth. It was loving, gentle, fun, happy, soft…These words are so lame compared to what it was. It was right. It was perfect. It was the way it should be. It just was.
His essence was proud of me, happy that I had my husband, but I had to go because I couldn't stay any longer in this essence. You just know when you are in this essence; there is nothing physical about it. So when I knew he was sending me back, I refused to go. I just wanted to stay so badly. I didn't care I had a husband who was probably sick with worry or my son who would be devastated. I just wanted to stay. I just knew that being in this essence there is nothing physical so he couldn't make me, but he bumped me hard and I went through a white, white tunnel very fast. The white is indescribable.
When I awoke, the next thing I saw was my dad's face on top of my husband's face. It was like a camera not knowing what to focus on, coming in and out of focus on my husband's face and then on my dad’s face. Once my dad’s face faded, my husband's became clear. So I thought I was still with my dad only my husband was also here with us. I was so happy, but soon realized that my husband wasn't hearing me like my Dad did. Realizing I had to speak, I said to my husband, "See dad? Where did dad go?” My husband didn't say anything so I said, "I saw dad" to which my husband responded with tears in his eyes, "How is he?" I got very upset because if my husband was with me he should know how he is. If my husband wasn't with us, where is dad? I didn't know where I was, which level am I on? How long was I there? Why is my husband so upset? Why am I back here? There must be something wrong, and I wanted so badly to go back to where I was. I was so disappointed to see my body, but I could still feel the essence like someone talking very loudly. My human eyes could see brighter and my sense of smell is very acute almost to that of a dog.
I thought if I found that orange cap I could find dad. The orange cap turned out to be the bottom lid of disposable container hanging on the wall but it wasn't as high up as I knew. It was definitely the cap but the view I saw was not relative to where it was hanging on the wall. I ponder this often and still can see the orange cap and the view.
My husband watched the whole thing from a different view point. According to my husband and nurses, I went unconscious, and my blood pressure dipped dangerously low. The doctors electronically defibrillated me as I quit breathing. They tried to revive me, and after a minute I slowly began to stabilize. After I stabilized a bit more I began to tell the nurses where I went. It was as if we were comparing notes to an accident that we had witnessed from different vantage points. One nurse shared with me that she was reading a book on near-death experiences. But, I thought that was stupid because there is no such thing as death it is only transition. Your body may die but your essence sure doesn't.
One week after my experience I was still recovering at home. Where the doctors did the sternum rub, my chest was very sore. I had burn marks where the electronic shock happened. It felt like they broke my nose. The base of my spine is very painful from pushing the mask so hard on my face to make me breath. I could not the smell or look at red meat for it made me nauseated. I sensed everything like the volume was cranked right up. I felt very much alone in my own little world. I could smell things that were not even there. When I did go out in public, I could feel other people's essences/energy; however, it would leave me so exhausted that I could only be out for short periods of time. My relationships had suffered as I felt so depressed to be back to this empty, shallow existence we call "life." While everyone was so happy that I was still here, they had hurt feelings that all I wanted to do was to go back. It was expected of me to "get back to normal" but my normal was gone.
Now almost 5 months after my experience, I am physically healthy. I have come to learn that there seems to be two sides to consciousness. The physical one we call the brain, which lets you mentally read, tell time and know how to communicate with others. Then there seems to be another one that is not physical but the "knowing" part of your essence or consciousness. I spend the majority of my time on this side of consciousness. You can't seem to explain it mentally, but it just seems to exist. I believe it exists for everyone. Some don't believe in it. Others who do believe don't know how to tap into it. I am still learning how to turn the volume down on the knowing part. I have such a huge passion to learn more about my experience and get answers to my many questions. Although, I have a huge desire to help people that have lost someone close, I am still unable to go out into crowds of people.
My relationship with my family is more precious to me and the smaller things in life that most people take for granted, I seem to marvel over. I still can't eat, smell or even walk in the meat department of a grocery store. I hardly eat any kind of meat anymore and am quite happy about it. I am no longer religious but would call myself spiritual. I don't believe in death at all. My perception about death has totally changed. How could it not? I find everything beautiful. I don't worry as much as did, and I am more peaceful and happier today than I ever was.
The old world as I once knew it is now gone. I have a new "normal." Material possessions mean nothing to me anymore. Professionally I am lost. My goal-oriented drive was fueled by financial gain, which now is hollow. I don't have a clue what my purpose is. What once was so important to me is now insignificant and not worth pursuing. I may know who I am, but I have no idea why I am here and where am I going!
My life will never be the same again. I have never been more found and totally lost at the same time.
I had a spinal anesthetic during a long and difficult labor. I was lying on the stretcher after delivery, when I began to feel a tight band around my chest. A nurse checked my b/p, and said it was 70/30. She opened up the IV line. I felt so good that I wanted to reach up and close the line, but couldn't move. I wasn't worried at all, and before I knew it I was out of my body floating face down. I saw my body on the stretcher, but was completely unconcerned. A doctor ran up and yelled, “What the hell happened? She was fine a few minutes ago! Get the cart (crash cart)!” Other doctors and nurses came running. I just didn't really care what was happening down there. I had participated in many codes, and it was pretty boring to watch my own.
I felt wonderful with no pain and no worries. I noted that the tops of the walls faded into blackness and I could see the stars above. I noticed a large window below me, and somehow received the thought that I could go home for a minute if I wished. My marriage was not very good at the time, and I decided not to visit my home before leaving.
Suddenly, I was lying with my head and shoulders slightly elevated, in some kind of ethereal tunnel, moving slowly toward a light. There were two beings in front of the light. I knew that soon I would begin to move very fast toward the light. I was ready to go. The beings seemed rather flustered, and they had thoughts like, "It isn't time for her. "How did this happen?" Finally, one of them settled down and began to communicate with me. They gently told me that it wasn't time, that I had many more years to live. I knew that the ultimate choice was up to me. I decided to go on. Then, they said, "But, you will have to do this all over again. You will live a long life and you have lots of work to do." That gave me pause, and as I was trying to decide, they said, "Who will take care of the baby?" I looked to my left and saw my son lying in a crib in the nursery. He was battered and bruised from the long labor. He was sleeping, and I noticed that his head was misshapen. My resolve to go forward began to waver. I found myself fighting, sort of like swimming backwards, to get back in my body.
All of a sudden I was back in my body. It felt cold, damp and painful. For a moment, I was sorry that I had returned. I was angry at the nurses and doctors for bringing me back. However, I knew that I had done the right thing.
On December 1, 1986 I was in a head on collision with a drunk driver. I think my coma was induced because of severe bleeding of my face. I had a closed head injury and was told my brain tripled in size. Due to swelling, they couldn't perform a CAT scan until three days after the accident. I don't remember anything. The first year after the accident is like a blur. I am now divorced. My communication skills are not as good. I'm much more irresponsible. I've had trouble working. I hear voices when I’m stressed. The voices make me crazy, like it’s me physically but someone else acts out. I hear voices of faith. I listen real hard. It’s beautiful at times but the average person thinks I'm crazy. I've been with mental health since the year 2000. They say I'm schizophrenic. I take Zoloft. They had me on Haldol and then switched me to Abilify. When I was in a coma I was in a place of peace detached from anything earthly and it was the most beautiful peace that cannot be described here on earth. Since my accident my life is very difficult. I've changed personality wise. I had a frontal lobe injury. I'm trying to get disability benefits. I can't hold a job. I've been denied once but I've just submitted another application. It’s not normal in the eyes of most people. I consider it a blessing because our creator showed me a piece of heaven so I came back with that peace!
I was driving my new car that I had received for high-school graduation. I was only 16 years old, graduated high school in 3 years with almost a year of college completed and a full academic scholarship to university.
Anyway, I picked up my two soccer buddies to go hiking at a mountain pass called Hatcher's Pass. Solstice is highly celebrated in Alaska, as it is the longest day of the year and the sun does not go down, therefore many folks are jogging at 2AM or kayaking at midnight.
My friends and I played on the glacial rocks, and hiked around. We were getting tired, so we decided to head home. On this trip, we weren't drinking or doing drugs (as teenagers so often do) so I was not impaired.
Driving down the mountain, we stopped briefly to use the outhouses and we got back in the car. I was driving. This is the last thing I remember. I sustained frontal lobe brain damage and posterior brain damage so I have no recollection of what happened except for the near-death experience.
Before I tell you about the experience, let me note that we got into a very bad single vehicle car accident. According to the individuals in the car, I possibly fell asleep at the wheel. There are no shoulders on these Alaskan roads. It is believed that I drifted to the edge, woke up, and overcorrected the car. The car flipped end over end and landed with my head going through the windshield into a tree. It is said that the first EMTs who showed up at the scene just covered me up so no one had to look at my shattered skull. They obviously could not get vitals, but I do not know whether I was clinically dead or not. At some point, a medical professional brought me back but no one seems to know the details.
I had sustained between level three and level four Le Fort fractures, which is to say that I shattered every bone in my face to dust (save my chin). Over 100 titanium plates, screws, and mesh were used to put my face back together, as well as cranial bone grafts, cartilage grafts, and much more. I was hamburger meat.
I think it was while in the hospital when I first tried to remember what happened that fateful night. And, as you read above, all that I could remember was our last bathroom break about 15 minutes before the car accident. Yet, there was one memory that I did not understand, but it was so profound that the more I thought of it, the more obsessed I became with it.
As I said, I don't remember the crash, just darkness. It was not a malevolent darkness. I was a 16 year old child who was not descending into any pit. I did not feel any evil. A possible explanation for this might be that I was blinded during the accident. They told my parents that I would be blind for the rest of my life and to make arrangements. Yet, somehow I can still see. I think my blindness, possibly, did not allow me to see "the tunnel of light" or to look upon my dying self. I have always felt alone in my NDE, as every other individual with an NDE story that I know of has seen a tunnel, hovered over their body, met dead relatives, etc. My experience was wildly different.
I have never written my NDE, and I have only described it to 13 people in my life. First, I feel as if there are no words in our limited vocabulary to describe what I experienced. Second, whenever I describe my experience, weird things happens. Either something weird happens to me or to the individual that I'm telling. This may sound delusional or self-aggrandizing, but I swear that it is true. What's especially bizarre, I always know who needs to hear it and when. Of the people I have told, more than half were complete strangers.
So, the darkness enveloped me. I felt as if I was transcending time and space. Imagine what it would feel like to spiral through the galaxy as an entity that is not bound to any gravitational pull or specific trajectory. That is what the journey through the dark felt like. What I know to be true is that the direction I was heading had no bearing. It seemed to be everywhere. It was like rain. I was like rain. If drops of rain were souls and heaven was the giant puddle that catches and pools all souls, then I was a drop of rain water that was following my path toward the puddle. I knew I belonged to the puddle.
Aside from this really bad analogy, I cannot think of any better way of describing it. Like a magnet, this collective was drawing me to it. There was no human emotion attached to it. I did not fear. I did not doubt. I did not question. The only human emotion I could feel was pure, unrelenting, unconditional love. Take the unconditional love a mother has for a child and amplify it a thousand fold, then multiply exponentially. The result of your equation would be as a grain of sand is to all the beaches in the world. So, too, is the comparison between the love we experience on earth to what I felt during my experience. This love is so strong, that words like "love" make the description seem obscene. It was the most powerful and compelling feeling. But, it was so much more. I felt the presence of angels. I felt the presence of joyous souls, and they described to me a hundred lifetimes worth of knowledge about our divinity. Simultaneous to the deliverance of this knowledge, I knew I was in the presence of God. I never wanted to leave, never.
The next realization was a voice here and there. The noises of the ICU, nurses, doctors, people crying when they came near me. My eyes were sewn shut, mouth wired shut, breathing through my neck, hair shaved off, and face crushed. This happened 17 years ago, and I have not found anyone with my injuries that has survived. Is my personal near death experience unique? I would like to think that it is not.
I was hospitalized in Vietnam with burns from the above combat action. The doctors were trying to stabilize me so I could make the flight to a hospital in Japan. I have no recollection of boarding the aircraft and came to full consciousness the next day in Japan in a hospital bed in the burn ward.
My roommate in Japan had lost an arm and a leg and was severely burned too. When he saw I was aware and awake, he rushed to tell me a story about his fire team coming to him, perhaps in a dream, but they had all been killed in the same action where he got wounded. They spoke to him and told him to relax and not worry about them or feel guilty about surviving and not saving them. Just get on with your life now, “We’re OK."
He asked me if that was a real experience or a dream. I told him that I did not know, but I would pay close attention to what his team had to say. As he told me this, my out-of-body experience came back to me in a rush out of nowhere. Until that moment, I had no conscious recollection of it. As he spoke, I remembered being in a C-130 hospital ship, stacked floor to ceiling with stretchers all holding other wounded GIs. I can see the interior of that plane and all the rest of it as clearly today as I did then.
I was watching myself on this stretcher and this did not seem in the least unusual. Two air force nurse captains were working on me. One had my nose pinched-off and was giving me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The other had her left hand on the center of my breastbone and with her right hand was pounding my chest rhythmically.
I watched this dispassionately as I sensed that I was going up and away, further and further back from the scene, to a wonderful, cool, white-light place that was so beautiful, unlike anything I ever knew, before or since. It held for me a tremendous sense of peace and serenity, but then I realized what was happening and wordlessly said, "No, wait. Not now” (like I had too much left to do). I came to about a day later in Japan, knowing I was safe. That's when I heard my fellow-patient's story.
Page 90 of 131